Bloody Underwear Bandit Strike Again
Safe no more: local female population fear for its underwear. By Marieke Underwear Beat Reporter
Late Tuesday night a local character known as the “Bloody Underwear Bandit” struck in the Hillsdale area, leaving a pair of bloody underwear in a local bathroom sink. In what some local residents are calling a “violation of the sanctity of the home,” the bandit left his signature mark, scrunching up a pair of turquoise-blue soiled women’s panties for an unsuspecting resident to find.
Reports said the pair was discovered by a Hillsdale resident, student Maria Lams. She responded to the incident with two strongly worded Sticky-notes.
Her roommate, bandit expert Elizabeth Wood, said the attack went beyond alarming. “Anytime someone violates the privacy of people’s private residences, they send out the message of nothing is sacred anymore,” she said. “The people of this area are going to be living in a much higher level of fear.”
This month alone, the bandit has struck in some 30 bathrooms around the world, choosing bikini-style, grandma-panty and thong underwear as his weapons of choice. Some people say his crime is especially terrifying because it combines the possibility of someone both stealing and leaving their underwear in a stranger’s home.
“Everyone knows their underwear is vulnerable and that’s a really scary thought,” Wood said.
The huge number of attacks has led some experts to speculate the bandit works as a network of local thieves.
There are also questions about his purpose — is it to inspire fear? To indulge a menstruation fetish? To comment on society’s increasingly sterile approach to nature? Or could it even be an attempt at a prank?
Local aviation expert Brooks Wood commented on these concerns through a translator. “It’s very important to be able to keep [humans] clean and hygienic without worrying about repercussions from anonymous intruders,” he squawked. “This puts [my] feathers in a fluff.”
Maria Lams was not reached for comment.
Questions for when the Bandit is finally detained:
ReplyDeleteWhy blood? Why not excrement, or mustard, or pickle juice?
Why the sink? Why so near to the knob of the sink? Why not on the knob itself? Why not drape the underwear over the toilet seat cover?
Citizen's note:
Yes, I feel violated. Yes, I am embarrassed and ashamed. If the bandit wanted me to hate MY BODY then CONGRATULATIONS, it WORKED. Clearly he has no idea the level of RAGE and INSANITY in the characters with which he's gotten himself involved. I should hope, if he read this report, that he watch his back! It won't take long to pick up his trail of condoms and other unsanitary items. From there, it'll be as easy as this morning's attack to arrest him.
The picture makes opening this news story in the library a little embarrassing, so say the least. But don't change it. Journalism is journalism.
ReplyDelete